LIFE

I was born soft,

Leading with my heart. 

Taught to be kind,

And to pay no mind

To those who’d try to harm you.

‘Cause there’s too few

Who can look at life

Without any strife,

So, while you can, smile.

But the world’s hostile

And they don’t teach that

Don’t get you ready for combat.

So I just kept on keeping on

Harmful thoughts foregone

Walking through life with my eyes closed,

Underbelly exposed. 

No clue,

Of what I’d be like when They were through.

My entire life philosophy backfired 

The world decided I needed to be rewired

No more carefree smiles,

And after extensive trials,

It worked.

I was reversed,

Desperately becoming cold.

Still refusing to fit Their mold,

But unable to refill mine.

So I remade me to my own design

A child’s dream of strength.

Willing to go to any lengths

To sing a song

Of a strong facade

The exchange was my heart put out on ice

I was more than willing to pay the price

For no more pain

‘Cause if I’m being honest it was drivin’ me insane.

So I retreated to the newly torn section of my soul

Telling myself it would gain me back control

Using Their words as my chisel

To carve-out my new dismissal

And learning to love the cold. 

‘Cause being bold

Only led to my warmth being forced away

And being bullied for being Gay 

Before I was even out.

And, before long I espoused

Their beliefs in what’s right and what’s wrong

‘Cause I obviously didn’t belong

And I was tired of being treated like shit

Tired of taking hit after hit

So I built myself a shield,

So that the true me was concealed

From the World

And all the insults They hurled

Tucked away safe in my shield slowly turning shell

Convinced that if I was going to Hell

I might as well get all the comfort I could along the way

No matter what They say

I had to build myself up

When They kept trying to convince me I was corrupt

I let my persona take front

Telling Them They were the affront

To someone more powerful than their so-called God they couldn’t even see

And that dangerous someone had to be me

I spit acid from my tongue

Cutting words flung

Getting my mask to make my threats

Burning up Their resolve like cigarettes

Promises of things worse than violence in a tone sweeter than honey

Part of me found it funny

How quickly They ran away

Frighted by my new display

And my threats delivered as sweets

Of things that’d have them begging for a kick in the teeth

When I was through.

‘Cause with no adults to intervene I gave Them what They were due.

I lived in this cycle of wound for wound, cut for cut

At some point forgetting why I did this and what

This persona was for

War.

And when I finally escaped Their system,

Defined by being Their victim

Being told I was safe

But absolutely sure that’d never be the case, I left the mask in place

Stuck in the loop of violence for violence

Keeping myself trapped in Their silence

Surprised when the hit never came

When they didn’t call out slurs like my name

When I was met with indifference

And those like me weren’t rejected for their differences

I didn’t know how to react,

Still waiting for impact

I was stuck.

Not wanting to muck it up,

But not knowing what to do.

‘Cause I swore to never draw the first blood, never put anyone through

What I did.

Never do harm like that, especially not to a kid.

And, after a while, I slowly reached out

And when no one freaked out,

I felt my shell start to soften,

Letting people in.

Starting to relearn what it meant to be a person in everyday life

Relearning how to deal with everyday strifes

And when the blows did come, and come they did,

I started to discover that they were unbid.

Unjust, undue, unaccepted.

And some of the new people in my life intercepted,

Intervened,

They let me know that I was seen.

They broke the cycle, but let me stay in my shell,

And for once in a long, long while, my anger started to quell.

I had yet to feel safe,

But in this strange new place,

I felt I could stay

Without fighting every day.

To prove my worth,

To make things work,

I could just be

And take the time to rediscover me.

And as the year passed

I started to see a contrast

I might’ve gone soft

No longer truly playing a part

Gotten too comfortable

Living in a place that wasn’t insufferable

‘Cause now my shell’s about to crack.

And what the fuck am I gonna do with that?

Will it bring good things,

Finally being seen?

Or will I be damned,

For not quite knowing who I am?

Will I have to go back on the defense

‘Cause the World will have taken offense?

But out of all the questions that swirl dizzily in my head

There’s just one that I really seek but might not know ‘till I’m dead

The one I might never comprehend-

“How in all hells will my story end?”