In the face of Death

I think about death a lot

Not of dying, leaving this world

No, I think about the seconds between life and death.

When you can hear your heart slow down,

like an engine out of gas

Your breath shallowing,

as is taking deep breaths was no longer possible

Your eyes blurring,

black spots filling your vision

Your adrenaline pumping,

as you try to grasp on to life

I’ve had this feeling more times than I want to admit.

Never on purpose, somehow, as if death simply wanted to dance

I remember the pool,

the bruises on my skin from the girl pushing me down

The water filling my lungs,

Every time she tried to get out of the water, pushing my head in with her stupid attempts.

My silent cries,

calling out to my mother, who was too distracted to notice

The sting of chlorine on my nose and eyes

My head pounding, I thought I would never reach the surface,

and I had that feeling for the first time.

The drug that was, is, present in my life still.

The short moment before I drowned,

it lasted three seconds,

then I ripped through the surface, coughing water.

That was only the first time.

Years later, a simple joke between my sibling and I

nearly ended in my death, and resulted in my fear of knives.

How was he supposed to know the blade was loose?

As he swung his arm back, I was running away,

laughing at the innocent game.

But then, the blade flew towards me,

the handle still in his hand, a terrified look on his face.

If I hadn’t tripped on the step,

the blade would have struck my back.

Seeing the blade in front of me,

I was horrified, a horror I didn’t know possible,

a fear you would expect me to have if water, but don’t.

To this day, a look at a simple blade will get my heart racing,

but some deep, dark part of me is also amused.

Amused at how such a thin, ordinary thing, nearly killed me.

I think about death a lot,

but I don’t chase it.

I simply dance, and laugh at its face, each time I leave it’s grasp.

I only hope,

I can escape every time.