Learning to Love

In

an sms anything can be stated. Like for instance “I'm fine just knife emoji sad face what about you?” Or “hey beautiful wanna see sum?  Winky.” This boy gives me a crumpled up piece of paper with digits accompanied by a smirk not sparing me a second glance.

The paper has ten digits and a message of give me a call. I arrive home all giddy the thought of just being wanted for the dying thing i am is enough to explain my giddiness. So I call at around five p.m and am given a push right into voicemail. I am already

beginning to ponder my worth to him which is funny because I am not even beginning to distinguish which feelings belong to him and which don't.  Which is funny because how can those thoughts arise if I am not in a relationship with him which is funny because

I have been hurt so many times. Mostly by guys who stated they couldn't live without me that they will love me to their last days. I don’t know why they would say such a thing when I see their social media accounts and see a female by their side. Held like

a trophy instead of a cherished human being. Regardless, they are still alive and breathing. Without me. But I let those thoughts subside and lay in bed waiting for a call that had likelihood of never arriving. At around 7 p.m I get a call. It starts off with 

a couple of minutes. Those couple of minutes turn into several that turn into hours. I will remember the exact amount of time we talked. For four hours, twenty two minutes, and 12 seconds. I will also remember that being a ritual into rarity. Two weeks into

the time we exchanged numbers I begin to see the memory of his face blur with the rest. I will begin to forget the way his voice was groggy and deeper in the morning. I will forget the way he got so excited about telling me something he would skip over words

and phrases. Yet, I could still decipher whatever he was trying to tell me and I am I forgetting his voice, I’m forgetting him. Couple of more weeks in I forget his voice and begin to remember wyd that if i was lucky sometimes that came with a heat emoji. 

This is how I am learning to love. This first time i will hear the love he has for me will not be on a date under fixed luminous points in the sky. It will not be his incandescent body emitting rays of passion towards me. It will instead be over text message

and the best part is he will not even give me the full form of the three words but instead will place them in acronym form. This is how am i learning to love. We are beginning to touch something that is not our hearts. We are more in sync with the wrinkles

created on the bed sheets than we are own emotions. The last time I saw him no i mean actually saw him. Not video calls,skype,google duo none of that but i mean actually saw him. He will appear as he always did to me. Someone who wasn't really mine for the

taking. The scent of his cologne, rick and morty shirt , paired with khakis will resonate with me. It will resonate with me because it will be the last time I see him. I will arrive home and i will learn heartbreak for the first time. He is unwilling to show

me that lesson in person. He will not be able to handle everything in me shatter and crumble right in front of his eyes. He will instead give me another lesson in love. He will send me a text with these exact words “sup girl not sure i can do us anymore so

dot dot broken heart emoji, im sorry.” that was the last time i heard from a man I gave my all too. I will remember all the warning signs but I ignored them because he was my green light. He was the jacket I bought without bothering to try it because it looked

good in my arms. My heartache will always be mine. I will share the best pieces of myself until nothing remains. This is how I am learning to love.